Marriage Myths — Dirty Talk is Unhealthy for my Marriage.

I know this isn’t narrative, but hang with me here. It’s really just stream of consciousness.

The biblical view of marriage is simple, really. Two people attempt a melding of sorts. But in context, it’s really much more complex. Often, mere coexistence takes the place of unity because unity requires complete honesty and there are things we’d just rather not discuss.

Embarrassing things.

Intensely personal things.

And chief among these? Sexuality.

Myth No. 3 – Dirty talk is unhealthy for my marriage.

Let’s be honest. We’re all adults here. Humans have God-given desires, lusts, and fantasies. That drive compels continuity, perpetuates the continuation of societies. Sexuality is not an accident.

But lately, I’ve heard the stories behind crumbling marriages. You’ve heard them too:

Story 1 –

When I first stumbled across those images on the internet, it was an accident. I felt I couldn’t tell my wife because it was embarrassing. Months later, I was nursing a full-blown addiction.

Story 2 –

There was this man at work and we started becoming too close. I swear I didn’t mean to, but we shared a kiss. I couldn’t tell my husband. In less than a month, it was an all out affair.

Story 3 –

I never talked about that man who molested me when I was a kid. I thought marriage would straighten out my confused issues with sexuality. It didn’t.

Secrets fester, threaten to undo. And perhaps, just maybe, some of you are living them. Do the hard thing. Talk dirty to your spouse. Tell them the hard stuff, the secret stuff that threatens your unity. Seek counseling if necessary.

And if your spouse seems sexually disconnected, ask if they need to come clean. And be willing to hear the truth and extend grace.

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19 Responses to Marriage Myths — Dirty Talk is Unhealthy for my Marriage.

  1. Prudence says:

    Well……..this obviously wasn’t what I was expecting with a title including the words dirty talk. 😉

    But seriously…this encouragement is vital to marriages.

    • sethhaines says:

      See… sometimes peeking the prurient interests of mankind (or womankind as it were) can be beneficial.

      I am so devious!

      Seriously, thanks for stopping by here Prudy. You are always welcomed.

  2. Carolyn says:

    There are no words, Seth… please pray for us.

  3. Absolutely!! Coming clean by talking about all the dirty stuff was the best thing I ever did! Loving your series here (and sharing it with my FB friends)!

    • sethhaines says:

      Thanks Rebekah. So glad for the parts of your story you’ve shared (here and elsewhere). It’s golden to watch others share the hard stuff and encourage others to do the same.

      Swing by any time. Really.

  4. chadly says:


    First time commenter, long time subscriber to the Collective.

    I usually read you in Google Reader. Today I saw “dirty talk” in the title of the post and I clicked over here immediately. I was expecting something titillating yet informative–a sort of Tim LaHaye back before he wrote all those apocalypse books and when he did Christian sex counseling with his wife. A person with good intentions gave me a copy of LaHaye’s sex book when I got married the first time. I remember it being mildly illuminating on certain topics, though I cannot remember the title.

    You kind of let me down on the titillation, Seth. But you came through on the informative.

    You have a way of framing your truths that makes even a hardened sinner smile and learn something. I appreciate that.


    • hamster says:

      I’m a big Chadly fan.

    • sethhaines says:

      Mr. Chadly,

      Any friend of the hamster is a friend of mine, so welcome. Really, a warm and hearty one. One that would come with a pint glass if’n we could make that happen.

      As I might have mentioned last night, sorry I didn’t deliver on the titillation. And even MORE sorry that I reminded you remotely of LaHaye, but that’s another topic for later discussion. One full of pseudo-serious eschatological hyperbolic statements like, “Holy Kirk Cameron,” and such.

      All that being said, I’m glad you swung by, and your comment is well played. I’m grateful. Now to get the hamster up for some frivolity. Hamster? Eh?

      • hamster says:

        Seth and Chadly,

        I did appreciate, in The Act of Marriage, the repetitive focus LaHaye placed on keeping fingernails clipped and clean. You gotta wonder what unsightly LaHaye-happy sexual mishap inspired such constant fingernail attention in the annals of his Christ-ly sexual advices. I couldn’t resist using the word “annals” in that last sentence.

        I don’t wanna be a Hamster no more. Now, I am Kiki Malone: montero topped torero. The most unknown literary bullfighter this side of town.

  5. Austin walked in the living room when I was in the middle of reading this post and glanced over my shoulder to see the title . . . He attention, you would say, was immediately engaged. I said, “Get your mind out of the gutter, it’s not what you’re thinking. Seth’s actually writing about . . . ” His first response was, “BORING!”. In jest of course!!! 🙂

    After that moment, we enjoyed the article together and shared a memory or two of times when our secrets shattered us and Jesus rebuilt us.

    Thank-you for the reminder.

    • sethhaines says:

      Rebuilding is good.

      So I had this prof who’s passed on. Every year, he delivered the keynote on pedagogical theory to the other University professors. Twice, he asked me to attend. A unabashed wielder of the Socratic method, he lectured the other profs on the art of “breaking a student.” He said that for the first 1/3 of the semester, he broke his students down. For the second 1/3, he began rebuilding on a ruined foundation and allowed homeostasis. The third 1/3 of the semester, he allowed the student to “get it,” to own it. Once he pealed me off to the side and said, “does that method sound vaguely familiar to you, Seth.”

      Yes, I said. Evidently, it does to you and Austin, too.

      Me thinks that Y’all’uns are good.

      • You’re a good’un too. Even when you occasionally use words that I have to look up – like “homeostasis”. My mama always did say to me that I should be a lawyer when I grew up because I could argue real good. Now I wish I had done me some lawyerin’ school so I could have me some more big words. 😉


  6. Ann Voskamp says:

    Smart. Wise. Sharp.

    Thank you, Mr. Haines.

  7. dubdynomite says:

    This was extremely insightful. And very timely for me, as I am in the midst of dealing with some secrets that have just been revealed to me, and fighting hard to extend grace. It’s not easy, but I believe that it will be worth it in the end.

  8. Seth,

    Thank you for this.

    Oh, the day when light broke forth and all the dark ugly became all His glory. How the Father used that dark night of confession to rebuild a marriage.

    We celebrate fifteen years in November. Father is so faithful.

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